Hello, new jeans!

Seriously, is there anything else in the world that can boost one's self esteem as much as actually fitting into a new pair of skinny jeans? Ok, yes, I know there are other, possibly more worthy goals, but, come on--this rocks!  3 sizes smaller than December, folks. THREE. Absotively, posolutely motivating.

Fun note for the day: I learned how to salsa! I finally got myself to the Y's aqua zumba class today, and it was pretty fun. Maybe not a class I'll knock myself out to get to, but definitely good to be working out in the water again.

Surprise for the day: I cut myself the barest sliver of yummy chocolate cake tonight at a momma get together...and it was actually too sweet. True confessions: I ate a handful of chickpeas afterwards, chased by a pint of water. Truth really is stranger than fiction.

Green smoothies, here I come...

In my never-ending quest for knowledge (dripping a wee bit of sarcasm here), I've unearthed a book called The green smoothie revolution, by V. Boutenko (yes, if I were cooler, I would make this an active link; alas, I am a tired, foggy brained momma). At any rate, she makes a case for distinguishing between fruits, vegetables, and greens. Her argument is that greens are fundamentally different, and that we need loads of them every day. The take away message that I got is: add greens to my morning smoothie. So, there you are folks, my kernel of knowledge for the day.

I'm back....in the saddle, again

After all the stress, I ended up decompressing in a not-so-great way. And yet, not so terribly bad, either.

True, there was pizza to be had by all, more than once.

And after one particularly stressful evening, I took myself quite deliberately to the store for (1) a jar of hot fudge sauce, (2) a pint of chocolate chocolate chip ice cream, and (3) a pan of brownies. Immediately opened the brownies in the car, ate a medium sized piece, and then, to my complete and utter surprise, I was done. Completely satisfied. Craving over. (True confessions: I didn't *really* believe my own self, and had a spoonful of fudge anyway...but I'm not sure why.)

That led to a slippery slope of, "Well, maybe I'm only sort of on this plan..." But that didn't really feel right, and definitely didn't feel good. So, over the past few days I have lurched and tugged and pulled myself back on track, and it feels great!

Now, I am happy to say that I feel fully back on the program. And, wow, is this food delicious! Once again, I am marveling on how this plan jumped out at me in the bookstore, right when I wasn't looking. Thank you, Universe.

In the midst of all this food angst, I went to a dancing and hooping party this weekend, and wore my fun, fancy, funky patent red leather high heeled Mary Janes...what a blast!

Just checking in

Nutritionally, today, the focus was on staying as close to the path as possible, while straying as much as necessary. So, breakfast was right on track. Lunch, not so much so. The two coffees were at least decaf. The copious amounts of chocolate? Yeah, that was pretty much bushwhacking a new trail through the wilderness of life. Fortunately, the trail was found again, and by dinner, I was back in the saddle again...adzuki bean hotpot, anyone?

In other notes today, I had a wonderful time knitting with my dawn knitting group and then this afternoon I revisited my yarn store and hung out and stitched with friends, which was great. Read through IEPs and school reports, talked more about the topic no one wants to talk about, and am basically worn out. Going to bed in hopes of having fabulous energy to bring to bear on tomorrow's adventures.

Life does it's best to intervene

Does this happen to you? Of course it does; "The best laid plans of mice and men..." had to come from some fundamental truths in the world, right? Well, folks, I am here to tell you that, at least at this moment in time, I am feeling flexible enough to bend and flow, take life's curveballs in stride, and keep on running.

What does that mean? Instead of being two days further ahead on my food plan, I spent three days trying to get through Day 10. Yesterday, finally, I achieved a measure of success, and ate the foods listed on Day 10! A round of applause would be acceptable here. I am full to the bursting, and not only because I am eating loads of vegetables. No, my pride has been significantly bolstered. Here's why:

Originally, you may recall, I set out to go through this 28-day cycle in my food plan with no variations. Those, I told myself, could come in the next rounds. Well, that went out the window within the first week. In the past, my tendencies to approach the world from a black and white, all or nothing perspective would have prompted me to "start over," go back to Day 1. This time, however, something clicked for me. And so, here I am, on Day 11, having reframed the issue and feeling incredibly excited that I managed to keep going.

Part of the reason? Well, one of these curveballs is about my children. And you know what? I realized that yes, I did have the choice to completely fall back on emotional eating, but that I *knew* my body would respond with physical ailments. And really, at this moment, my kids need me, and they need me to be as strong and full of reserves as I can be.

Hence, great quantities of really high quality food keep pouring down my gullet, much to my body's delight. Happily, my adult life has also been bolstered with plenty of community and even a couple of parties (!) and life is not only looking manageable, but possibly even downright good. Hoop on, guys.

Numbers, just the numbers, folks

pounds lost so far: 11 (!!!)
inches around waist: 3 (!!)
clothes size: down 1
snowfall today in Rochester so far: about 12 inches

Predictions:
4-6 more inches of snow
goal: to see approximately 1/2 of my 2010 self, eventually!

Brag for the day: Despite monumental crisis in the family today, the only deviation from my plan has been a quite deliberate order of a decaf coffee, of which I drank about 1/3. To say I am proud of myself would be an understatement. If I manage to get through the night without eating an entire (or even half) pizza, I will count it as a victory. Emotional eating, it turns out, is very hard to walk away from (who knew?)

Off to snowblow...

Jenny vs. Coffee: Score 1 for Jenny!

Can you guess what was on my mind today? A looooong conversation played itself out in my head throughout the morning, mainly centered around the notion of rationalization and/or denial. As in: "Is decaf okay?" "You said no coffee or anything else, ONLY stuff on the food plan for 28 days." "Yeah, but she doesn't say no coffee...maybe I'm being too strict with myself." You get the idea. All. Day. Long.

Actually, around 5:00, the conversation moved on to the topic of wine. Just a glass. Red?

Mainly through irritation and sheer crankiness, I said "NO!" to those dratted temptations. Also, because the stubborn streak in me wants to be able to prove I can do it, and loudly proclaim it afterwards! No, I may not be perfect (thank goodness) but I'm not gonna be a wimp, either. How's that for a good self pep talk?

This evening, after single parenting our brood through afternoon crazies, dinner, and bedtimes, I hooped. And it was beautifully meditative. God bless the grandaddy hula hoop! It's big, and easier to keep up, which is lovely for when I just want to hoop and not deal with the frustration of having it drop to the ground, over and over.

I'm tired, but in good shape for tomorrow. My veggies are all prepped and my mung beans are soaking, so I should (hopefully) be able to manage all my food tomorrow despite being away from home most of the day. Tomorrow night? First night of my beginning beekeeping class!

"Mom made ALL that vegetables, just for her!"

Today is Friday, aka Marge-day. For years, the girls have been spending every Friday with Marge, our favorite local adopted grandma. Before they were old enough, Marge had the big kids. Now I recognize that this is seemingly a tangent to food talk, but bear with me.

Marge is amazing. I want to be Marge when I grow up. Actually, I am just thrilled to be friends with her. We were down-the-street-neighbors for ten years, and she is the closest thing to family we have here in Rochester. Every Friday morning, she faithfully showed up at our door at 9am, took my kids for an adventure walk, did a science experiment with them, fed them a fun lunch (kid friendly: mac and cheese, or pancakes), read them a story, and brought them home between 1:00 and 2:00. And, once in a while, she invites them for a sleepover. Sounds too good to be true, I know. Trust me, it only gets better.

Marge is a lifelong Unitarian Universalist, and we are members of the same church. She brought us dinner when the first babes were born, though we had never met, and that was the beginning of our friendship. She has played lovingly with all four of my children, let me cry on her shoulder, shown up to get a child off the bus when I'm running late, graciously kept the kids longer so Michael and I could have a lunch date, opened her summer home to our family, spent Christmas Eves with us, and has also been open to accepting help from us. It is a great honor to be able to give her rides, bring over meals, and now read her mail. Marge is 93 years old.

Perhaps now you can see why my girls have always referred to Fridays as Marge-day. Spending the day with her is one of the defining rhythms of our week, and we all love it.

Lately, Marge has lost a lot of her sight, and is getting ready to move to a new home in an independent living facility. These days, the girls still spend Fridays with Marge, but instead of dropping them off, I stay, too. Since this is prized time for the girls to be with Margy, I usually stay in the background, joining them only for lunch, but being nearby in case of need.

We always come with lots of goodies: stuffed animals, books, toys, and, of course, food. Today, Marge saw the quantity of food that showed up in her refrigerator and remarked that the girls would have lots of choices for lunch today. Their response? "No, Mom made all that food for her...it's ALL vegetables!" Being hard of hearing, Marge again talked about what a great cook their Mommy is and how there's a lot of food in her fridge. The immediate response was, "No, Margy, Mom made all that vegetables, just for her!"

Can you guess what I had for lunch today? Yup, vegetables. A giant salad, that I toted over in a 9x13 pyrex dish. Truly. This food plan is really all about food, and lots of it. The catch is, it's all good for you. Nothing about this plan screams deprivation, the word so typically connotated by diet. Thank goodness.

All that said, I'm really craving a pizza. Beautiful, steaming sauce full of oregano and basil, strings of melty cheese, and a delicious crust with just the right blend of crispiness and chewiness. There...that was a good food daydream. Now I will come back to reality, and make an equally delicious Asian poached fish, served with, you guessed it: a salad.

Yuck.

Honestly? Truly? Yuck. These three days of "detox" have been yes, very good for me, but also, undeniably, not fun. Oh well. Rather than dwelling on all the negatives (and very probably passing up the opportunity for some funny stories!), I am movin' on.

Until this morning, I *was* thinking of the first three days as "pre-days" but this gives the impression that they don't really count. DH, OTOH, pointed out that they probably count more than all the others! So, I've decided to count them as an entire cycle, which is, surprisingly, quite psychologically motivating.

And NOW, I am on to Day 1 of the next cycle. One of the best things about these past three days is that, besides being good for my body, I am now in a place to totally and completely appreciate food, and not take even simple things for granted. Yes, I've been eating tons and feeling full, but it's been, well, pure. Lots of veggie juices, supplemented with lots of crunchy salads. If this time is anything like last time, my stir fried veggies and tofu tonight will taste like manna. This cycle has 28 days in it, and they are full of yummies that I am looking forward to making and eating...seared tuna over a salad of mixed greens, anyone?

I'm off to ice skating with the littles. This is getting in the way of my hooping class, which is a bummer. On the other hand, all the girls asked for for Christmas was ice skates. Since skating is on Thursdays, I guess it's time for me to look into some of the new hooping classes that have started around Rochester!

If the numbers are to be believed, I've dropped 5 pounds. I am skeptical of this, but, it's still motivating!

The best part? I'm not craving anything. Wow. Ok, still little cravings. But, really and truly, nothing unmanageable.

day of The Juice

Today is done, and I have to admit, I am glad. Lots and lots and lots of freshly juiced vegetables today. Lots. Think, a quart at a time, and several times. That's a lot of juice, folks. Although my body is not responding and feeling better yet, my vegetable crisper drawers are a lot emptier, so that must be a good thing!

Actually, today was a day when I could use support, and I appreciated knowing that a lot of people out there (aka, you) care about me and this journey! Most of the day today, I was just exhausted and worn out, and even took a nap. It feels like this must be part of the road I need to walk, but geez, how gross is that? I want to be vibrant and full of energy, and out playing!

In reality, however, my workout today consisted of, oh, about a minute of half-hearted jumping on the trampoline. Sigh.

I also had a follow up visit to learn the results from the sleep study that I did last month. Turns out, I have sleep apnea, the mild to moderate variety. Evidently, this translates, for me, into having my sleep disrupted an average of 24 times per hour. Yikes. Small wonder I don't feel well rested in the morning. I am scheduled to get a CPAP machine next month, which is supposed to treat the apnea 100%. This will be great, as long as my hyper-sensory self doesn't implode from the stress of having something strapped to my face all night. As you may be able to tell, I have some misgivings. On the other hand, my dad reports that using a CPAP has been life transforming for him (he no longer even craves a Sunday afternoon nap!). My body's state of affairs is poor enough that I am willing to give it a try, and even hope for the best.

Real food tomorrow! translation = no juice = happy Jenny

May the Force be with me, and with you.

Is today the first day of your new life?

Perhaps January 3 will become an auspicious date, one to look back on and celebrate. At the very least, I can say that I just made it through Day 1 of the detox plan, all over again.

What? How did that come to pass, you may ask. Well, my friends, let's journey back for a moment, to Dec. 18. In the short space of a few hours, I realized that with my oldest home from school, there was no way any of us were going to survive if I simultaneously tried to stick to this food plan. No way, no how. With regrets, I filed this plan away, targeted to start the very day that the kiddos went back to school. Yep, that was today.

In the meantime, I briefly entertained the idea of eating "mostly good" but quickly accepted, in a resigned sort of way, that my husband is right: I am not a halfway kind of woman. It seemed to me that this must be somewhat like quitting smoking...again, and again, and again. Here I was, just starting down that road. Because truly, I have not spent my life in dieting land. This is pretty much new territory for me. True, I have modified my diet from time to time, but always on my terms.

On the plus side, this forced me to grapple with a lesson that I seem to not have internalized as of yet: I'm not perfect. sigh. Even though I *know* in my heart that I don't even want to be perfect, it still seems to hurt whenever I come face to face with this cold, hard reality. Ouch.

On the down side, was the coffee. That first blissful sip, the slide back down the slipperier-than-ice slope of java...wait, it was actually too sweet. Ha. That lasted for, oh, about a millisecond (okay, a day), and then I was right back to my normal two-fisted x-large coffees with skim and sugar. And yes, multiple times a day, and yes, my caffeine tremors started to reappear, and yes, I am perfectly aware that it is not good for me. Mmm-hmmm, that's a little defensiveness you may detect there.

Fast forward to today: all systems are a go, I diligently stuck to the program and only the program, and sister, let me tell you, it was hard. It sucked. So much worse than the first time. I was, by turns, cranky, miserable, craving pizza and a chocolate milkshake, cranky, miserable, resigned, cranky, miserable, and now...I feel like I've reached a new place of peace. Not calm, but peace. I realized that I was maybe not going to be able to escape this feeling of wretchedness (going to the movies? nope, too much temptation from popcorn), but that instead, here was an Opportunity. With a capital "O." The opportunity to just sit with my discomfort, to recognize how hard this is, and how gross I feel, and to possibly, just possibly, draw a step closer to treating my body with the respect it deserves.

Wow. I just wrote that. And then deleted it. And then re-wrote it. I am betting there is something there to think about. I was, and am, pretty sure that I respect my body and myself a pretty darn lot. I wonder, then, what this comment is all about, and where it came from? (Or really, am I just hallucinating, from coffee withdrawal?!)

I've hooped today, three times, actually! I've made it through my day, and am on track for tomorrow. I am taking it one step at a time. Please, when you see me, remind me of this.

Here's to seeing only half of me this time next year!